Scientist Discovers Meaning of Life
/‘more than 8 billion people were waiting for this’
EUREKA – After more than 35 years of intensive research, Life Scientist Tony De Lindt made an earth-shattering discovery in his laboratory yesterday. Only the finding of extraterrestrial intelligent life could top this kind of news. At exactly 5:23:45 pm, De Lindt found indisputable evidence for the existence of the Meaning of Life.
Immediately after his discovery, De Lindt got on the phone with Read My Slips Chroncles to share the Meaning of Life with the world. De Lindt explains, beaming with cosmic energy: “I was in total ecstasy when all the loose ends of my research came together. And when I stepped back from the blackboard where I wrote down my final results, I knew… This is It! He points. “Look there, write down the meaning for your article, or take a picture. Seven billion people are waiting for this!”
And so our reporter wrote down the Meaning of Life, for you…
Meaning of “LIFE”
noun / lʌɪf /
“The condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.”
“Go figure, I found it in the dictionary! In the freakin’ dictionary! My whole professional life I dedicated to find the answer and never realized it had stared me in the face so many times! Oh yes, I have used my dictionary to look up the meaning of words like ‘lierne’ and ‘ligand’’ which means I was really, really close to finding the meaning of ‘life’.
“Oh, and to everyone who watched the movie The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2006) and still thinks ‘42’ is ‘the answer to life, the universe and everything’… You’re wrong! Go grab a dictionary and find your answer. And you’ll find a lot more. Like the meaning of words you didn’t even know existed! How about ‘amphisbaena’, ‘pilgarlic’ or ‘saudade’?”
Upon request, De Lindt shows our reporter the notebook he used for data collection. “No, that is not a Rorschach test, that is a wine stain,” explains De Lindt who often performed his field research under the influence of alcohol. “Every life scientists knows that alcohol is the best catalyst for extracting information in ‘interviews’ (De Lindt airquoting his last word) about the meaning of life. And just like my colleagues in the quantum physics department, I simply cannot separate myself from the experiment.”
Although De Lindt has now completed his life’s work by finding the Meaning of Life, he is not planning to retire. “Oh no, with the help of my new research tool [dictionary – editor’s note] I decided to research Antimatter. I might need an encyclopedia this time, but I am pretty sure that I will find what I am looking for within 15 minutes.”